Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Hey, why don't you have some Star with your Wars? Am I right?

Boneworms !

Thats's right. Boneworms. I said it. I even bolded it to get my point across.
 We were all thinking it. It's something we've all been worried about for some time now. But how do we get rid of them? Quite frankly, we don't. They live in the ocean and they eat whale bones. Just whale bones. So there's actually nothing to be concerned about, which leads me right into my next topic. Star Wars! (I bolded that too because I'm a bold person... I bolder, if you will)
I'm somehow involved in a Star Wars show this Friday, April 15th at Brand32 which is on Pierpont Ave in 
Salt Lake. I did some pretty incredible Start Wars (did I just go lightsaber green on that word? Yes I did.) themed paintings for it and if you take anything  Jay-Z says seriously, you"ll be there. Why? Because Jay-Z is a very serious man/rapper/boneworm enthusiast.
and with that I give you

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jake Garn VS Jonathon Baker

     Recently, like 2 weeks ago.....maybe, I don't remember. I decided to become a really good photographer with the pseudonym "Jake Garn". It was a brilliant idea until I remembered that I don't own a camera. Then I remembered all those times in photography class in college when my teacher would politely remind me that it was indeed a "photography" class and not a "making out with girls in the darkroom" class. And by "making out" I mean drawing pictures of robots in the margins of my notebook. And by "girls in the darkroom" I mean failing photography class.
    Coincidently on that exact same day I showed up to work only to discover an already existing "Jake Garn" photographer. What are the odds? Right? Assuming that's his real name and not a pseudonym. (we'll never know for sure....unless we check wikipedia and then it's like 70/30). It was like getting a crane technique kick of disappointment to the face. As usual all the best ideas are taken.
    Anyway, I think Jake(from here on we'll refer to him as Jake) could tell I was bummed and so he offered to let me stick some of my paintings into his photos. It was cool of him to do that right after completely devastating my single greatest ambition for the day. (What else am I gonna do? Paint?)So he picked a few out and I was like " but that ones not finished!" and he was like " I know but I need something to go on that weird fence thing." then we got into an argument about whether Bruce Willis was more bad-ass in "Moonlighting" or "Blind Date". (The answer is neither. Bruce was only bad-ass in Die Hard.)
And here are the results.

Take that society!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Win A Free Painting !!!

 So here's the deal. I'm giving away this super rad painting for free... Almost free.... You might have to do a little work for it.... And some people are gonna get hurt.... Probably not "emergency room" hurt but I'm not ruling it out. 
If you've ever heard of a scavenger hunt you're already 3% closer to winning?
That's what this is. 
You do all the stuff on the list, then I'm going to have a drawing for the painting. And, all the cool kids that did it right can be entered in the drawing. and one of those kids will get the painting. Also, that particular cool kid will get to have the nickname "winner" for the rest of his or her life... That's the bonus prize if you win... Awesome nickname.

Here's the stuff you have to do.
(It's not that hard, stop complaining. Also, free painting. Just sayin.)

1: Subscribe to my blog. Now leave a comment on a post that references Karate Kid. 
Hint: Scientist Nerd

2: Go back to Facebook and look in my photos. Find a painting that has a fish in it. leave a comment.

HINT :have lot's of tabs open cause you might have to go back to pages that you've already been to.

3: Go to . Type "jonathon" into the search box. click on one of the paintings. You should be on my page now. Find a painting that has a guitar in it. click on it. Now go to the share artist button and share to your Facebook page.

4: Go back to Facebook and find "the Hive Gallery" page. Leave a nice comment. (Nothing mean. They're very sensitive, and we don't want any of that internet bullying going on.)

5: Guess what?! Facebook again. Find my artist fan page. Like Me. I know, you already do. I'm sayin, click the "like" button on my fan page. So easy. Leave a comment even.

6: OK last one. Go to the "Cuts, Bruises and Broken Bones" event page on Facebook. Leave a comment. doesn't even have to be nice. (It's an event it doesn't have feelings).

That's it. the drawing is in one week. That's January 15th 2011.

Good Hunting
Later Skaters

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Beluga vs. Narwhal

  Was anyone aware of the scientific fact that Narwhals and Beluga whales are related somehow? Belugas are the brainy nerd side of the family(giant forehead) and Narwhals are the badass tough guys of the family(toothface). Who's gonna mess with a guy that's got a giant tooth/horn coming out of his face?
  Well actually I would.(only if he was messin with me though) I would roundhouse his head and while he was saying "Whoa, Dude what was that for?" I'd crane technique his horn/tooth right off. But that's just what me and Ralph Macchio would do.
  Also, has anyone ever seen a Beluga whale? It's just a dolphin with a giant forehead! What the? Is that all it takes these days to get upgraded from dolphin(boring) to whale(awesome!). I suppose the ICP guys were right. We can't trust scientists.(Playing favorites. Those a-holes.) Of course they upgraded the Belugas. They're probably all level 9 wizards on D and D.
  By the way, what is up with this painting? Seriously, Can that furry Narwhal even breath out of the water like that? I'm just saying it doesn't seem practical to walk around with a Narwhal in you arms. Other than that everything else seems pretty normal. You know, just a normal day out in the ocean with bubble-butterflies floating around.
  Anyway Belugas. Hope you're happy.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Cowboy Movies!!! nuff said.

I recently saw the movie True Grit. The new one with Jeff Bridges not the old one with that other guy John Something. (just kidding John Wayne. Don't get all T.O.ed and try to haunt me now.) It pretty much ruled. It had to. It was a cowboy movie and cowboy movies have a prerequisite to kick a certain amount of ass.(and by certain amount I mean 100%. Seriously they can't go less than that or people start dying)
   I started this painting a long time ago before I saw True Grit therefore it has nothing to do with the movie. It would be kinda awesome though if Jeff Bridges bought it for like $200,000.00, which is what I would sell it for if I hadn't already sold it to someone for significantly less than that. Oh well, We can thank the Coen Brothers for dropping the ball on that one.(How bout a little heads up next time guys?)
    By the way. You know what else rules? Candy. Specifically chocolate candy, like mint MnM's and Reeses PB cubs. Seriously it's peanut butter that just hangs out in cup made out of chocolate. What the bleep? How do people come up with this stuff?(don't answer that, it's rhetorical..... also, I don't care.) So here's a little shout out to Christmas for giving me one hell of  a candy hangover this weekend. You've done it again Christmas, congratulations.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

We're nuthin but the nerds they say we are.

   First of all, that statement is only true for everyone else. I probably rule much too hard to be a nerd. (Thanks to you toy lightsaber. You also rule and occasionally cut off peoples arms.) Another thing that also rules too much is Karate Kid. That movie is 50% kick you in the quadricep (You're welcome Josh Knotts) and 50% rule your face off.
  Anyway, I wanted to do a painting that captures the true essence of nerds everywhere. So I studied them closely for 1 year.(And by one year I mean 4 minutes at the Salt Lake Public Library.)Then I got distracted by a dude twirling glowsticks and then another dude with gigantic parachute pants and clown make-up. (I believe these to be the "peacock" of the nerd species.) I wanted to see what really makes a nerd tick and as it turns out they are really in to changing lightbulbs. Who Knew?! Weird right? You watch a nerd for 4 minutes, you're gonna see one change a lightbulb. That's the National Geographic of it. The rest of the stuff in this painting is purely speculation and conjecture. Cause as it also turns out nerds are pretty boring. Even within 4 minutes at the library, so you gotta start making stuff up. I mean, most nerds probably don't have a fish tank implant. Why would they? It's not practical.
  Anyway, This one is for you nerds. You finally got your respect.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

When you start subconsciously painting your coworkers, that's when you've gone too far.

   When you're an artist everyone loves you all the time. You don't really get any downtime to unwind and relax because being cool and popular is a full time job,( Plus a part time job, and an extra shift you pick up for that one guy who always seems to plan his ski trips the morning of. Also, when your boss calls you on your day off because someone called in sick.) But, as my good Friend Dave says "I get paid to rock the Nation" (Nope. Actually, the Nation hasn't paid me anything yet. Something about not giving tax returns to people who don't have a real job. I don't know what that means but it doesn't sound promising.).
    So anyway, everyone always wants to hang out with the super cool artist guy and they're all like "Hey Jonathon, why don't you come over this weekend and help me move. I'll buy you a Big Gulp." or "I'm having a party and I need someone to clean my house before anyone shows up. Can you help me out?" So even though you don't always feel like it, you gotta take care of your fan base.
    The painting above is about rocking the nation, but keeping a low profile by having a good disguise that makes you look like a girl hiding in a plant. You gotta be inconspicuous, trust me. Also, nobody is gonna mess with a girl hiding in a plant.